My Daughter Kauai

I was brought to tears when I saw scans of my child in her mommy's tummy. She was girl and I was ecstatic about it! My favorite picture was a side view of her in the fetal position sucking her thumb. She was only the size of my thumb and I started to love her already. I often found myself in reverie, thinking about all the special moments we'd be sharing together.

I vowed to be the best dad possible, committing to exposing her to as much of the world as possible and allow her to decide for herself what her likes and dislikes were. I'd encourage her to be independent; but would always have a shoulder for her to lean on as she experienced the hurts that come with growing up. I'd be her biggest fan, encouraging her to be the best version of herself in any endeavor. But most importantly, I wanted her to know true happiness.

I envisioned our sharing all of her milestone moments all the way through grad school. I foresaw being together at birthday parties, holiday celebrations and on vacations. Being an artist, I wanted to share with her the works of the masters as we visited the great museums of the world, and teach her to appreciate virtuosity in any medium or genre. I wanted to show her the beauty in nature from the mountains to the seas as we hiked, climbed, skied and sailed across the globe. But most of all, I looked forward to doing the everyday things that give people a sense of family, of belonging together. As James Thurber wrote, "Love is what you've been through together.”

She was born when I was almost 50. I think that was a good thing because I was fortunate to be in good physical shape to do the things i wanted to do with her, and had a wealth of experience and knowledge that I could share with her. Fernand was instrumental in formulating my plan for her development. Knowing that the early years of life are instrumental in who one grows to be, decided to dedicate three years to help her establish a firm base for future growth on every level.

I spent 75% of my waking hours with her, even taking her on appointments with me to meet clients, all of whom were also my friends. I made her communication skills and good manners a priority. I encouraged her to engage in conversation with everyone we encountered at any time. She was speaking in paragraphs before she was two. When she was 18 months old i took her to a restaurant in Capitola because I thought she'd love the tram ride down from the street. Whenever she had a chance she'd strike up a conversation with the waitress and other patrons. When I took her to the restroom she stopped at a table where a family of five was dining and stood in place until she had their attention, then asked, "Are you enjoying your dinner?", which made everyone around us smile. She'd heard hostesses ask that countless times whenever we ate out, so surmised that it was an appropriate thing to say. There were so many instances when people would come to our table and comment on how well mannered Kauai was. I was such a proud dad!

My daughter was one of the most well travelled toddlers around, having been on 50 flights by the time she was two. I tried to fill her life with stimulating learning experiences and outings that would challenge her physically as well as instill a sense of adventure in her. I began to write a book about our experiences from the time she was born so that she would know how very much she was loved from the start. I am including excerpts from those musings in the writing section.

I was wrenched from her life when she was 2 1/2. Being arrested was the most traumatic event in my life; but I was much more concerned about how it affected my little girl to point of bringing me to tears.

We had an arrangement that our daughter alternated between staying at our house in So Cal with Joy and my place in Burlingame, which is in the Bay Area. Two weeks after my arrest Kauai noted my extended absence since she had never been more than a week away from me. Joy related the following conversion she had with our daughter over the phone:

"I live in Burlingame with my Daddy!"

"You live here too, Honey."

" Is Daddy in Burlingame?"

"No, he's far away."

" Then I wanna go to Faraway to get him!"

This rendered me speechless as I imagined my daughter's pain and confusion. I imagined her crying at night because I wasn't there. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I hung up the phone without a word, and hurried back to my cell.

I have sent her over 600 mailings, including stories and drawings to entertain, teach and inspire her. Even with my limited resources, I've sent her birthday and Christmas gifts; even sending money for school supplies and clothes annually. I sent her $3,200 to help with expenses before she started college. I would have done so much more had the circumstances been different. From day one I'd always felt that she will make a difference in the world.

I love her every minute of every day. I can still remember her scent and what she felt like when I held her in my arms and sang to her when she was a baby. I miss her so very much!